Family Ties

Two days ago, 2 hospice nurses said separately that each thought Dad would die in a week, two at the outside.

For the last 2 days, I've been running and gunning, notifying family and friends of Dad's impending death. His sister, Darleen, in South Dakota, and his sister, Mona, in Missouri, called him this morning. He smiled through the monologues--and you're right, "monologue" means he didn't contribute! But he was pleased they called.

His former neighbor and good friend from his last house is coming to see him tomorrow, as well as his sister who lives a couple of hours away. These three sisters and Dad are the end of a 10-children family.

Watching Dad through this ordeal has been hard. My mom died of Alzheimer's under hospice care, and I knew I couldn't do anything for her, other than to see that she was pain-free, which I accomplished by asking that she be put in a drugged coma. (The nurse was funny. She said to me, "You won't have contact with her. Are you sure about this?" I almost laughed; she had Alzheimer's, which meant we ALREADY didn't have contact with her! And she couldn't tell us if she was hurting, and the disease that took her out, gangrene--long story on its own--is one of the most painful. If all I could do for her was to let her sleep for the last days of her life, so be it!)

Dad, on the other hand, is conscious and coherent. He can tell us if he's in pain. So, there's nothing I can do for him, other than to watch and wait. I'm doing this with my brother, who lives in GA, and my 3 daughters, who took time off work to be here. As we sit, of course we exchange stories about our lives. We're also reminiscing, entertaining the woman I hired to stay for 7/24 until Dad dies. We're highly successful in this endeavor, by the way!

Even Dad is aware of this and makes occasional comments, or smiles. His comments are always on the topic and usually contribute to the fun in the moment. Then, he'll drift off.

He's on morphine now, because he's in constant pain. I guess dying is painful. His body is losing fluid through not only the usual routes, but also through the pores on his arms and legs. And today, the hospice nurse came and changed his clothes, an ordeal for him, which was compounded by his long-time caregiver, who wanted to bathe him with soap and water and rinse with clear water. I know it was a loving gesture on her part, but I forbade it, because his skin hurts when you touch it. I said use baby wipes--my brother said to heat them in the microwave--and checked with the hospice nurse that that was okay. How dirty can the guy be? He's lying there, in the direct air flow of a fan, sleeping most of the time! So, get the wetness off his arms--it'll be replaced shortly, anyway--and cover him up! And NO, you can't shave him when he's telling you to STOP!!!

I'm a little frustrated over this! There's so little I can do for him that I find I'm determined to keep others from bugging him! Since I'm perceived in these situations as the human version of the Great Wall of China--immutable--I get my way. This has served me well in all situations involving someone who has general knowledge of the subject at hand but little or no knowledge of the person involved--in my case, parents and kids vs. the medical establishment, usually. The person gets great care but not excessive care--unnecessary testing, e.g.

So, I'm grieving. It's funny that I was frustrated at my dad just last week! He was already in the dying process, but I didn't know it. And this happened between hospice visits on Monday and Friday! Quick! Now, I'm watching him die, knowing we'll not argue again.

I've been looking around his house at all the paperwork that's waiting for me. Not just bills to pay and companies to notify of his death--like the one paying his retirement! Ha! But there are insurance companies, banks, credit unions, credit card companies, etc. I keeping thinking maybe I can just throw everything in a cardboard box and hide them somewhere! I know, I know: fantasy isn't a good thing in this case! Ha!

I'm going to go back to his house now. Thank you all for replying to these meandering thoughts! I really appreciate it, even if you don't think you can help! You all do!